I am restless. My mind is restless. It’s fidgety and can’t settle. There are ideas itching at the locked box in the back of my brain. My brain is whispering at me to take a leap; to gain the confidence to leap.
But to what?
Whenever I feel this restless feeling, I know that big things are coming.
A shift is about to happen to someone, possibly me, that I care about.
Sometimes it’s a change outside of my control and this is my body’s warning system to be ready, so stand guard, be ready to be flexible. Other times it’s an idea I’ve been mulling over but too scared to try to do. It’s my brain whispering at me to put my fear or jealousy aside and just go for it.
This feeling is an itch you can’t scratch. It’s a whisper that, when ignored, becomes a rushing roar of sound that you must act on to silence.
My resentment over other people’s success has been bothering me. I am resentful because I feel that, if I made the effort, my dreams are feasible and could be successful too. I feel (only lately) that I am a coward or lazy. My resentment and jealousy is my own self-hatred, masked. It is a mask I need to tear off and ask the big questions.
What are your dreams then? What is the next step? What are you jealous of and why? What could you be doing to fix this feeling, to reach one step closer to your true path? Who do you want to be? What is the ultimate goal?
These are the questions I can’t quite get to, there is so much noise in the way, so many other distractions. I think meditation would help, and I intend to take that path this summer and see if my quieted mind comes to any realizations. Mute the unnecessary noises; tune in.
I feel restless. Unsettled. I used to sink in to depression or emotional eating when this happened, not being able to understand. I used to pack up and move to a new city, trying to find the thing whispering my name. Now I know that moving is just another distraction, trying to kick me off the scent of the true goal, that the answers lie inside of me. That I can quiet it by moving forward, asking myself the hard questions.
I can hear you stars and I am listening.