I Used To Be So Cool

I used to be so cool. I’d wear my Dad’s work boots and climb trees with the boys.

I used to be so cool. I used to play Little House on the Prairie, even when playing with boys and make them be the girl characters too.  I was very assertive and convincing.

I used to be so cool that I would fall asleep colouring; I was so intent on that task of creating a new colour scheme for the trees, sky and grass.

I used to be so cool that I would wear whatever I wanted. I loved finding every hair tie in the house and making a ponytail of hair ties. A rainbow of ties instead of hair! Also, wearing different coloured fluorescent socks on each foot also appealed to me. I lost that fashion bravery somewhere.

I used to be so cool.  I would lay on my bedroom floor and listen to Tricky with my eyes closed, dreaming of future novels to write or collages to make.

I used to be so cool that I would make time for music and learn everything I could learn about that artist and their creative process. I had time to immerse myself in obsession after obsession. Some girls in high school had crushes or boyfriends. My crush was well on his way to landing himself in jail to escape his over-religious adoptive parents so I stopped thinking of him and started to replace crushes with obsessions. Which included music, novels, drawing (terribly), collages, lists and fashion designers.

I used to be so cool that I would watch after school specials because they were corny, badly acted and ridiculously optimistic.

I used to be so cool. I would skinny dip in our lake at night during our summers at the cabin, with no reservations or body hangups. I miss being 12 sometimes. I would feel the water on every inch of my skin and dive deep down to pretend I was a mermaid. (Oh yeah, I was obsessed with mermaids and actually believed in them for about 3 summers).  The cool water, the moon, being so vulnerable and naked in our quiet, secluded swimming spot ….all very freeing.

I used to be so cool that I would start debates on subjects and not feel badly when I disagreed with the other person’s viewpoint. I would graciously accept that they had a different value or view than me. Now I don’t start debates because I take them too personally. How silly!

I used to be so cool. I’d speak with confidence and say my beliefs in a respectful but assertive “like-me-for-me” manner and not give a damn after. Now I second guess myself too much in conversations, but I ‘m working on getting that state of mind back.

Now I’m just kinda cool. Must get my cool back! I feel sometimes that I am not Tianna, the Mom. but The Mom formally known as Tianna. Do you ever get that feeling fellow Moms?

XO